was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
