I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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