Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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