And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
