I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
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