I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
