I smell stomach acid.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Im part way to drunk.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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