I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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