How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
