My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
