I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
