the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
