I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
