Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
