the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
