I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize