You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Could you please tell me why If you were a 21 year old man why you would want to sleep with a girl who has tinkerbell bedding?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
