It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
