so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
