I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
