We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize