Banned from zoo.
Again?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
