wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
