Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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