I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
You've changed since you got that strap on
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
