if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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