just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize