My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
