my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
