Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize