look no pants
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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