Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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