So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
