Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
