note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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