my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
