Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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