Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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