Already got asked if we're dating
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
