I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
