So drunk its hurt
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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