I'm going to jail i love you
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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