I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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