Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
