sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
