Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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