Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
