If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
