I wish I could teleport
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
