We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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