He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Randomize
