got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize