if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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