I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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