I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
