I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Randomize
