8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
