Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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