Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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