I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Randomize
