What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
