Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Edward fifth and chaser hands
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize