Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
